Trepidation

I've been fairly lucky my whole life. I've managed to do well in school, got into a good college, did fairly well there. I've had almost everything I've needed. Not really been in want of anything. I have the most perfect girlfriend, someone who understands me so well. I've great parents and very caring sister. I've got good friends, good job, enough money. But as I'm getting ready to leave home and go out to the big bad world, I've a deep sense of apprehension. An uneasiness of the soul if you will. I don't know how long this luck will hold out.

I haven't really ever worried about getting killed in a plane crash or a train accident or by some lunatic on the street. I mean, the thought has crossed my mind, but that's all that it was, a fleeting reflection, something that was to be accepted if it did happen and the chances of it happening were so remote that it didn't really deserve the squandering of precious energy and time. But now that I'm with someone, someone who I care about deeply, I'm scared of dying. I don't want to. I'm afraid of growing old. I'm afraid of stepping out one day and never coming back. What happens to her? Who will take care of her? Love her? I want to grow old with her. I want to see our children grow up. I want to be able to sit with her and reminisce over our years spent together.

What if something happens to her? How will I go on? What would life have to offer me? The thought of not being there with her everyday, not being able to see her ever again really, really terrifies me. And its not something I can do anything about. The sense of helplessness is overwhelming at times. I can't protect her or my family against nature's cataclysms. I can't keep them safe from raving maniacs toting firearms on the street. I can't protect them from mishaps on modes of transportation. All I can do is see them off everyday and hope we'll meet again for dinner.

I kinda understand now how our parents must feel. And I'm a little ashamed to say that I don't feel that way about them. Or my sister. I do, but its not as powerful a feeling. Maybe its because deep down I think that they'll always be around. Always there to help me out, pull me through the rough patches. But as I see them growing older and more tired, I get pangs of alarms as I realise that we don't have that much longer together. They're not going to be there forever. I'm not going to be there for eternity. I'm beginning to be aware of my mortality and of those that I care so much about. There is this sense of incompletion, a sense of having achieved nothing, no satisfaction of accomplishment.

I'm not sure how I will do in life. I don't know if I'll be able to make enough money to support my family, to do things I want to do, be healthy enough, be good enough. I don't know if I have time enough to enjoy life with my love. I'm spending the best years of my life struggling and studying and trying to make a solid foundation for the later years of my life that I may not be able to reap the benefits of. I've got to make choices where nothing really seems to be right. Do I study and work in a first class country where I'll always be a second class citizen? Or do I stay where I belong but where there is corruption, no infrastructure, pathetic service, incompetent officials, stuff bureaucracy? Will I be able to raise my children well? Instill in them the same qualities that my parents gave me? How will I control what they're exposed to, who they're exposed to?

I know we're supposed to keep the faith and enjoy what we have rather than worry about what might happen. But like my friend said the other day 'Life has a way of working out'. Then she added, 'Hopefully'.