Seriously! What is it with these soaps? Stories that crawl along at a pace that would shame a snail on Prozac, terrible acting, laughable sets and the weirdest videography and sound effects that wouldn't be out of place in the grand lightsaber duel between Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker! Can't you just imagine the whole lot of them; producer, director, the cast, the sound effects guy and the cameraman, all conferring about the day's episode?
"Right, so I've thought of a new direction that this episode is going to take the show. Those hour-long traffic jams really give my creativity a boost! I got today's story done in 10 minutes! Unfortunately, the material is worth that much airtime too. So, once again, lets fill up, let see, another 15, with inane dialogue that is offensive to the even the mildly rational, preachy, patronizing and, oh just so incongruous in today's world. How are we for glycerine? Because all the talk will bore the audience. Lots of weeping is the key to grabbing eyeballs and TRPs.”
“About 20 minutes would be advertisements. And let's have another 10 minutes of insane, roller-coaster-ride-like camera movements with lots and lots of zooming in and out; something that seems like we've let a drunken monkey loose with the camera on the deck of a boat in stormy seas. I want lots of rolling and pitching; I think it looks artsy. Don't you?”
“And of course we overlay that with those new synth-sounds we've been waiting to try out. We know that our major demographic is middle-aged housewives who have been found to have a low probability of having watched any science-fiction movies at all so they won't realize that our sound effects are a rip-off the latest space movie's epic war battle scene!”
“Oh, and let's not forget that we treat our audiences like a bunch of brain damaged retards and so let’s start with the usual 10 minute recap of the last episode's 10 minute story at beginning. We'll end with a climatic cliffhanger that'll keep the suspense till the next episode. All this stretching's got us at least 5 minutes over time so we can quickly end with no credits but just a splash screen of the production house, so that it looks like we had really great story that left us with no time for anything else! Alright! We're all set! Go team! Let's have another great shoot!"
Bah!
"Right, so I've thought of a new direction that this episode is going to take the show. Those hour-long traffic jams really give my creativity a boost! I got today's story done in 10 minutes! Unfortunately, the material is worth that much airtime too. So, once again, lets fill up, let see, another 15, with inane dialogue that is offensive to the even the mildly rational, preachy, patronizing and, oh just so incongruous in today's world. How are we for glycerine? Because all the talk will bore the audience. Lots of weeping is the key to grabbing eyeballs and TRPs.”
“About 20 minutes would be advertisements. And let's have another 10 minutes of insane, roller-coaster-ride-like camera movements with lots and lots of zooming in and out; something that seems like we've let a drunken monkey loose with the camera on the deck of a boat in stormy seas. I want lots of rolling and pitching; I think it looks artsy. Don't you?”
“And of course we overlay that with those new synth-sounds we've been waiting to try out. We know that our major demographic is middle-aged housewives who have been found to have a low probability of having watched any science-fiction movies at all so they won't realize that our sound effects are a rip-off the latest space movie's epic war battle scene!”
“Oh, and let's not forget that we treat our audiences like a bunch of brain damaged retards and so let’s start with the usual 10 minute recap of the last episode's 10 minute story at beginning. We'll end with a climatic cliffhanger that'll keep the suspense till the next episode. All this stretching's got us at least 5 minutes over time so we can quickly end with no credits but just a splash screen of the production house, so that it looks like we had really great story that left us with no time for anything else! Alright! We're all set! Go team! Let's have another great shoot!"
Bah!
No comments:
Post a Comment